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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Jon DeVries: The Man Behind the Mask

Jon DeVries. We know him as the loveable, greasy-headed teddy bear of the North Shore Spirit. But is this really the man we have come to know?

Let's look at the facts. Jon DeVries plays for the Spirit (on occasion). This we know. We also know him as a clutch power hitter who hits for average, too. Okay, fine. But what of his past? Some reseach shows that Jon may have had a less-than flattering past.

Jon was a Broadway actor, appearing as Sir Francis Walsingham in the production of "Kit Marlowe." Proof can be seen here. Just type Control+F and type in "Jon DeVries." The photo at the left is Jon in his role.

Jon was also a D-List actor, appearing in such films as 1986's "Truth or Die," and the 1983 epic, "Lianna." Jon will also be appearing in the 2008 pruduction of "Guerrilla." No word yet as to a possible Oscar nomination or whether this filming will affect his standing with the North Shore Spirit. See his IMBD page here.

Jon may have broken some rules in one of his more recent stunts. Jon posed as a high school junior in 2001-2002 and played for the Conference Champion Lutheran Westland High School. Jon even duped everyone into voting for him for Academic All-Conference, despite not having any academic transcript to speak of. In the photo at the right, it is unclear as to which DeVries is posing as. However, you can see his team's page here.

Jon has also been hiding the fact that he works for Food Safety Magazine as editorial advisor. He is so into his role that he wears horrific glasses and uses some kind of space-age technology to temporarily get the grease out of his hair. See the photo at the left. Some experts believe that Jon is using a potion, Harry Potter style, that may only last a day or two before the greasiness (Jon prefers to call it 'manliness') of his hair overcomes the potion's effects. Jon recently earned an award for his work with Food Safety Magazine at the inaugural Annual National Center for Food Safety and Technology Award at the National Center for Food Safety and Technology Industry Networking Dinner. Reports surfacing in the last few days suggest that Jon's recent downturn in bat speed may be a result of him having to fit "National Center for Food Safety and Technology" in his head. No word yet as to whether Jon realizes that it is abbreviated NCFST. See Jon's article here.

Finally, it seems that Jon used to be even MORE clutch back when he was in the Red Sox minor league system. Jon hit a stunning .182 BA in 2003 with Lowell, with a monstrous .573 OPS (On base percentage plus slugging percentage). This is even higher than the 2006 OPS of the Tampa Bay Devil Ray's AL MVP candidate, Shortstop Ben Zobrist. However, Jon didn't get much love from the Red Sox scouts when he was in their organization: "[Jon] de Vries has shown minimal power or average numbers in his first three seasons." said scouts. But we Spirit fans know the Red Sox made a huge mistake in releasing DeVries in 2006. Jon's minor league page can be seen here.

So who IS Jon DeVries? Will we ever really know? One thing is for certain: As long as he continues to put forth clutch at bats for the North Shore Spirit, no one will really mind what else he may choose or have chosen to do in the past.

10 comments:

SoSayethI2006 said...

I'm gonna' say sumpin'...REALLY important... I SWEAR...
Just as soon as I get done cleaning up this mess I made..

PISSING MY FUCKIN' PANTS LAUGHING...... .

ROFLMAO

You win, I quit.

TonyTheTiger20 said...

thank you :-D

DaveCo said...

This has got to be the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.......congrats Grant,you have composed the funniest thing on this site.
(That includes Joe's rants on seating at Fraser,the team and management. Those still make me laugh too. :D)

TonyTheTiger20 said...

stay tuned for next week's article: what you may not have known about tom donohue. (seriously)

DaveCo said...

lmfao!!! Grant,what possesed you to make this article anyway?

TonyTheTiger20 said...

i read joe's post about the devries guy in hockey, and googled "jon devries", and a shitload came up.

Anonymous said...

What in Jesus's name is wrong with you, Grant?

Funny nonetheless.

--Amanda

Anonymous said...

Get off the pipe. .

TonyTheTiger20 said...

who are u, anon?

jon devries himself?

jonny, u know ur the man. chill. :-D

DaveCo said...

LMFAO!

I agree with Amanda....but continue on!